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Actuary Jokes

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1. An actuary is a place where they bury dead actors.

2. An actuary is a person who passes as an expert on the basis of a prolific ability to produce an infinite variety of incomprehensive figures calculated with micrometric precision from the vaguest of assumptions based on debatable evidence from inconclusive data derived by persons of questionable reliability for the sole purpose of confusing an already hopelessly befuddled group of persons who never read the statistics anyway.

3. What did God say when he created Actuaries? He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!" They took him literally.

4. An Actuary is someone who'd rather be completely wrong than approximately right.

5. A lawyer, an accountant and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a spouse or an unmarried lover. The lawyer says a lover because it's legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover. The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse. The actuary says it's better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you're with the other, and then go the office to do some work.

6. What do actuaries use as contraceptives?? Their personality.

7. And then there was the actuary who was so dull, the other actuaries noticed.

8. Definition of a CPA: Can't Pass Actuarial exams.

9. What is the difference between God and an Actuary? God doesn't think he's an Actuary.

10. How many actuaries does it take to change a light bulb? How many did it take last year.

11. "I once told an actuary to go to the end of the line. He came back five minutes later and said that he couldn't because someone else was already there."

12. When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them die each year."

13. What do you call an actuary who is talking to someone? Popular.

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