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Christmas Carols


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Guest Just Visiting

I took these from Plansponsor.com

(to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen)

God Vest Ye Fully Enron men

And save your 401(k)

You trusted your retirement to Andy Fastow and Ken Lay

And now you will be toiling until your dying day

It’s a good thing you love your job so well,

Why didn’t you sell?

It’s a good thing you love your job so well.

(to the tune of I’ll Be Home for Christmas)[/b

I’ll amend by Christmas—

You can count on me—

All your plans for EG-TR-RA,

Drafted so carefully.

Christmas Eve will find me

Typing busily

I’ll amend by Christmas

Although it tortures me.

(To the tune of Silent Night)

Privacy, Security,

EDI, transaction sets.

Who’d have guessed back in ‘96

HIPAA would give us such fits?

Just extend the deadlines, please,

We’re begging on bended knees.

((To the tune of Jingle Bells)

Skimming through the regs,

Reading through my files,

Every week it seems,

They add more to my piles.

Congress just can’t stop

Adding to this mess,

And although I wish they would,

The agencies won’t rest.

Oh, EG-TR-RA, HIPAA, too,

Change tables for mortality,

required distribution rules,

Sarbanes-Ox-a-ley.

Oh, SPD content rules,

Blackout notices,

Indexed limits change again,

So does EPCRS.

Just about the time

I read a rule’s proposed

And just when I am sure

I’ve nailed it on the nose.

I open BenefitsLink

Aren’t I the fool,

It seems that they have published

A revised interim final rule.

Yeah, HRAs, IRAs,

Waive the excise tax,

30 year Treasury rate,

file urgent claims by fax.

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle All the Way,

Oh what fun it is to work

In the benefits field today.

(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Amending all our plans

Checking every clause

Signing on the dotted line

Complying with the laws

Our actuary says

It’ll cost an arm and leg

To change our plan design-

So I guess we’ll just have to beg

Oh – Legal bills! Legal bills!

Congress strikes again

Just when GUST is going out, EGTRRA’s coming in

Oh – Legal bills! Legal bills! Piled up by the score

Just when you thought you were done

Hey – Here come some more!

(To the tune of O Come, O Come, Emanuel)

O Come, O Come, Saint Alan Greenspan

And save our bacon, you’re our man

Take pity on us in our sad plight

And make our 401(k) accounts take flight

Reduce! Reduce! Those interest rates

While we go spend our income tax rebates

(to the tune of Silver Bells)

Your plan is broken – time to fix it

You’ve been doing things wrong

Why not seek some compliance resolution?

Self-correction, VCS or file for VCO now

It could be your only solution

I – R – S

I – R – S

They’re processing your application

Write a check-

What the heck-

It beats disqualification

(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

My health plan’s not the best –

I feel so depressed

My 401(k) sank –

I’ve no money in the bank

I think I need some Prozac

For my anxiety attack

My state of mind is scarin’ me-

I need some mental health parity!

Special enrollments, mental health

Maternity hospital stay

Coverage certificates-

That’s H-I-P-A-A!

Oh-special enrollments, mental health

Maternity hospital stay,

Coverage certificates-

That’s H-I-P-A-A!

(to the tune of I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas)

I’m dreaming of a new tax bill

Just like the ones I used to know

I’ve a fatal attraction

For Congressional action

With acronyms all lined up in a row

I’m dreaming of a new tax bill

With every pension plan I write

May your 401(k)’s be healthy and rise

And may all next year’s tax bills be wise

(to the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas)

We wish you a big fat health plan

We wish you a big fat health plan

We wish you a big fat health plan

With un – managed care

And a health FSA for you and your kin

To pay for Viagra and for liposuction!

We wish you a funded pension

We wish you a funded pension

We wish you a funded pension

And a Roth IRA

And a generous match with no ACP test

And big profit sharing with immediate vest!

We wish you a top-hat SERP plan

We wish you a top-hat SERP plan

We wish you a top-hat SERP plan

With a rabbi trust

And a gold parachute in case you should fall

And retiree health benefits to cover you all

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To be fair, this came from the 12/24/02 online edition of plansponsor.com, crediting

"Anonymous sources at the Portland Chapter of the Western Pension and Benefits Conference have contributed a little holiday "spirit" for all of us to share."

I'm a retirement actuary. Nothing about my comments is intended or should be construed as investment, tax, legal or accounting advice. Occasionally, but not all the time, it might be reasonable to interpret my comments as actuarial or consulting advice.

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