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Lame Duck

What Happened to Humor?

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It was dicey when they cut off the guy's entire left side, but he's all right now.

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Dad, about your will.......

A man was telling about his buddy: "You won't believe what happened last night." My daughter walked into the living room and said: "Dad, cancel my allowance, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out now, throw away all my clothes, take my TV and laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose."

"Holy Smokes", replied the friend, "She actually said that?"

The father replied: "Well, she didn't actually put it quite like that." She said: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign."

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My doctor told me my weight was just fine - I was just 5 feet too short.

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On 7/29/2017 at 0:41 PM, david rigby said:

I'm going to try a light diet.  Daylight.  Night light.  Refrigerator light.

I'm on a seafood diet.

I see food, I eat it.

(It's a better joke orally)

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29 minutes ago, Dave Baker said:

I always arrive late to cocktail parties, because the people who've been there a while will find me more interesting.

If you are the only one sober you might find them more entertaining then earlier in the evening also! 

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Two actuaries go hunting. They're crouched in a blind. Suddenly a flock of ducks flies across the sky before them. Jim stands and fires, but, alas, aimed 25 yards in front of them. Jane stands and fires, but, alak, aimed 25 yards behind them.

With glee, they high-five each other and shout, "Got 'em!"

(On average, doncha see.)

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Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America.  If I am not there, I go to work.

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53 minutes ago, Dave Baker said:

Two actuaries go hunting. They're crouched in a blind. Suddenly a flock of ducks flies across the sky before them. Jim stands and fires, but, alas, aimed 25 yards in front of them. Jane stands and fires, but, alak, aimed 25 yards behind them.

With glee, they high-five each other and shout, "Got 'em!"

(On average, doncha see.)

That is like one of my statistics teacher's joke to help teach you the limits of drawing conclusions from averages. 

A statistician once stood with his head on a red hot stove and his feet in a bucket of ice water and said, "on average I feel fine". 

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My son and I enjoy target practice. We usually go to the cheese store and shoot the Bries.

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Stop me if you've heard this before...

There are 3 types of actuaries:

Those who can count and those who can't.

Mike

 

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The question, you know, what don't you do with your nose.

The answer is blow it in the wind.

(Apologies to Bob Dylan)

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