I'm really sorry you’re going through all this, it definitely sounds frustrating and confusing, especially with the conflicting stories you’ve been told. I’ve dealt with something somewhat similar regarding survivor benefits after a divorce, and I can confirm it’s a tricky area, especially when ERISA, QDROs, and plan-specific rules all come into play.
As others mentioned, whether or not ERISA applies hinges a lot on whether his former employer was a government entity. If it was a governmental or fire department pension (which it sounds like), then ERISA may not govern it, and instead, the plan will follow local or state retirement rules. This could be why they’re saying “no one” now qualifies, depending on how they interpret those rules and the lack of a QDRO.
The part you brought up about Egelhoff v. Egelhoff is a strong point, but just remember that the outcome of that case depended heavily on the fact that ERISA applied and preempted state law. If this is a public pension plan, they might not be held to the same standards. You might want to push for a written explanation of their denial, so you can properly respond or appeal.
Another thing that could help, especially if you're unsure whether any payout is still pending or how it's calculated is checking the value using a pension or separation estimate tool. The End of Service Calculator can give you an idea of what the benefits might have been worth if they had been distributed, which might help you better understand what’s potentially being withheld. It’s not official, of course, but it can help frame the value of what’s being disputed and whether it’s worth pursuing legal action.
Ultimately, I agree with others here, this is definitely a situation that calls for a lawyer who is experienced in divorce and pension law, especially with public retirement systems. A clear timeline and documentation will go a long way in sorting this out.
Wishing you clarity and a fair resolution.
