5 quick jokes I hope will make you smile

[Guest Spock]

What’s the difference between an accountant and an actuary? An actuary is like an accountant, only without the personality.

What’s the difference between an introverted actuary and an extroverted actuary? An extroverted actuary will look at YOUR shoes.

One-liners

There are three kinds of people in the world; those who can count and those who can’t.

A pair of jumper-cables walk into a bar and the bartender says, “You can have a beer, but don’t start anything”.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

[david rigby]

There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[Fredman]

Careful what you start...

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean beef

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not coming

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear

[GMK]

Careful what you start...

The name of the guy who is:

hanging on the wall: Art

floating in the water: Bob

lying flat at your door: Mat

Three guys were walking down the street. Two of them walked into a bar. The other one ducked.

Happy Friday.

[Belgarath]

From a long list of things you would like to say at work, but can't:

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

[TPA Bob]

Started Something

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crumby.

A dog walks into a bar limping. Bartender asks what he wants. "I'm looking for the fella who shot my pa."

What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

They arrested the monkey for throwing feces. His charge? Turd debris assault

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?

This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."

What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.

What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart ass which knows it all.

If you pushed your own naked clone off the top of a tall building, would it be:

A) murder?

B) suicide? or

C) simply making an obscene clone fall?

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Q: Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide? A: Because it's too cold out tide

[Guest Spock]

Careful what you start...

The name of the guy who is:

hanging on the wall: Art

floating in the water: Bob

lying flat at your door: Mat

Three guys were walking down the street. Two of them walked into a bar. The other one ducked.

Happy Friday.

floating in hot water: Stu (I apologize for that one)

[FAPInJax]

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why do you say your alarm went off when it actually turned on?

I've got a million of em!!!!!!!!

[GMK]

It's been a long week.

It's Friday.

It's been 11 years (see post 2).

It's time to bump this.

[Belgarath]

Who is the wise guy who put the letter "s" in the word "lisp"???