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I suggest you hire a tax accountant who is well-versed in 1031 exchanges to work with you. Your frustration is not surprising. These exchanges have many, many rules upon rules and each rule seems to have several exceptions. Someone who has expertise and experience will ask about all of the facts and details about the farm, the sale, the S-corp, your goals, your siblings' goals and more. With that information in hand, they can lay out a path forward and explain in detail to you and all other stakeholders before taking any steps. Typically retirement plans and IRAs are not involved in these exchanges because distributions from these vehicles are subject to ordinary income taxes (unless Roth amounts are involved on which ordinary income taxes were already paid). May you treasure the heritage of a 200+ year old family farm, and good luck to you and all of the siblings!

just get them to re-sign-up for the $X per paycheck as you claim it's not always obvious whether they'd be above or below 3% each time.

Let them know you'll be buying an annuity with a QJSA unless they can get you a finalized QDRO? They can't hold the Plan termination hostage by saying we don't have a QDRO 2 years on.

Definitely not my area of expertise but if the farm has been in the family for 200 years, wouldn't there have been some step-up in basis along the way as prior owners passed on and left their sharers or interest to future generations? It sounds like you need a good tax accountant who is well versed in family business transfer and sale and that's not really the focus of this board. On the bright side, long term capital gains tax rates are much lower than ordinary income taxes, at least at the federal level, state taxation may vary from state to state quite a bit.

This seems like a procedural question. The employer should come up with something reasonable, document it, and apply it consistently.

Don't make payments to anybody. Do so at your peril. You have actual notice of a forthcoming QDRO. One option is to file an interpleader and deposit the money into the Registry of the Court.