EX won't sign QDRO- PLEASE HELP

[DMB72]

My ex and I went to mediation in April 2018. Settled on amount to be paid to me through QDRO (considering half retirement account/equity of assets and debts). My atty filed the paperwork. Divorce was final June 14, 2018. Through the mediation, I agreed to move with my 2 minor children. So, I had to find a house, down payment, closing costs, moving costs, etc. I also assumed the debt bc I planned to pay it off with a cash out of the QDRO. Came back for ex to sign on x amount back inn August. He refused to sign. He claims I didn't hold up my end of the bargain when turning the house over. Claims damage (there was none), claims I took things I shouldn't have (he made a list and I left EVERYTHING he asked for and then some). He said he doesn't have anything to lose. Right, I had all the expense of moving out and he's earning money on the money he owes me and I took the debt! His atty is a real treat and based on dates and texts I have from him, they were planning this all along- I just didn't see it coming until after the fact. So, they let me file the QDRO knowing full well that he was going to make me come after it. My atty told me in my county this wouldn't cost me more than 3500 as long as we settled in mediation. I paid him that and got an 8k bill after that. I have them hounding me for money but I'm a single mom and strapped. I have the bill down to 5800 but I need the QDRO money to pay him. He doesn't return my calls or emails for 6 weeks and the first thing he asks for is money! He asked me to settle with him after we ALREADY agreed. Finally, months later and I agreed bc I need to get this settled or I'm going to go into BK fast. I have borrowed from family just to keep my head above water. My atty claims he's waiting on a response from the other atty but it's gone on too long. I looked up what to do. It says file a motion to enforce the JOD. I was told when I do that, his atty is just going to file something claiming the mediation was done fraudulently. What can I do? My ex was controlling, abusive and manipulative and I still can't get away from it! Please help!

[ETA Consulting LLC]

The details are not exactly relevant to the QDRO process, but it is a process.  A is a Domestic Relations Order issued by the court to the Plan; and is then Qualified upon review and acceptance of the Plan Administrator.  Nothing within this 'process' would depend on the consent of the Participant.  I'm not sure how that fits in to everything you just stated.

Good Luck!

[david rigby]

Not a lawyer.  In general, a DRO is an order of the court, not the two spouses, so signing may not be relevant unless required by state court procedures.  However, consider whether his action(s) might be defiance of a judge (ie, contempt of court).  Your attorney has to run with this ball.

[Larry Starr]

20 hours ago, DMB72 said:

My ex and I went to mediation in April 2018. Settled on amount to be paid to me through QDRO (considering half retirement account/equity of assets and debts). My atty filed the paperwork. Divorce was final June 14, 2018. Through the mediation, I agreed to move with my 2 minor children. So, I had to find a house, down payment, closing costs, moving costs, etc. I also assumed the debt bc I planned to pay it off with a cash out of the QDRO. Came back for ex to sign on x amount back inn August. He refused to sign. He claims I didn't hold up my end of the bargain when turning the house over. Claims damage (there was none), claims I took things I shouldn't have (he made a list and I left EVERYTHING he asked for and then some). He said he doesn't have anything to lose. Right, I had all the expense of moving out and he's earning money on the money he owes me and I took the debt! His atty is a real treat and based on dates and texts I have from him, they were planning this all along- I just didn't see it coming until after the fact. So, they let me file the QDRO knowing full well that he was going to make me come after it. My atty told me in my county this wouldn't cost me more than 3500 as long as we settled in mediation. I paid him that and got an 8k bill after that. I have them hounding me for money but I'm a single mom and strapped. I have the bill down to 5800 but I need the QDRO money to pay him. He doesn't return my calls or emails for 6 weeks and the first thing he asks for is money! He asked me to settle with him after we ALREADY agreed. Finally, months later and I agreed bc I need to get this settled or I'm going to go into BK fast. I have borrowed from family just to keep my head above water. My atty claims he's waiting on a response from the other atty but it's gone on too long. I looked up what to do. It says file a motion to enforce the JOD. I was told when I do that, his atty is just going to file something claiming the mediation was done fraudulently. What can I do? My ex was controlling, abusive and manipulative and I still can't get away from it! Please help!

As others tried to explain, your story really has nothing to do with a QDRO.  If there was a court determination on your divorce and a QDRO was required, then the QDRO is written by a competent party (could be your lawyer, could be someone like me who does QDROs for lawyers, but SOMEONE writes it) and then it is taken to the JUDGE to be signed.  Neither of the participants need to sign it or agree to it. It is the judge's order to allow the plan to make the payout that was outlined in the court approved settlement.  Once you have a judge signed order, it goes to the plan and the plan makes the appropriate distribution.

HOWEVER, it isn't clear from your saga whether there was a finalized agreement in mediation that was approved by the court.  If not, then you are not done yet with the divorce and there cannot be a QDRO signed by a judge because that happens AFTER there is a court approved agreement.  So yes,  you might still be dealing with a difficult divorce (I have seen MANY of those) but until there is a court approved settlement that requires a QDRO be produced, and until that QDRO is produced and signed by the judge, you are not able to get anything from a retirement plan.  Sorry to have to give you the bad news.

[david rigby]

See good advice from Larry.  One minor clarification:  a QDRO is part of a property settlement, which can precede the finalization of a divorce.

[QDROphile]

A QDRO is part of a property settlement, however:

1.  Whether or not a property settlement or domestic relations order can precede the finalization of a divorce is a matter of state domestic relations law.  I suspect that in most states finalization is not required.  In practice a QDRO usually is attended to at or after the finalization of the divorce or legal separation, and after the property settlement has been finalized, see #2.

2.  Most domestic relations orders that want to be QDROS are derivative of property settlement terms that are established in some other domestic relations document, such as a property settlement agreement or the divorce decree.  QDROs are usually not stand-alone statements of the property settlement relating to retirement benefits; they may provide extra detail especially relevant to the retirement plan.  We see many questions about what happens if the QDRO is or wants to be inconsistent with the property settlement terms expressed in another court-approved document.

This post is way beyond the relevant discussion for the original post, but it reinforces the comments above that the matters relevant to property division are still kicking around in the domestic relations proceeding in state court.  To focus on "QDRO" is premature.

[Luke Bailey]

State court matter. Court can probably enter the order without his consent, but more legal fees. He may also be in contempt. But you need lawyer to talk to state court.

[Larry Starr]

On 12/4/2018 at 6:04 PM, david rigby said:

See good advice from Larry.  One minor clarification:  a QDRO is part of a property settlement, which can precede the finalization of a divorce.

Indeed; but until the court approves the property settlement, it can't produce a QDRO.